there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
