so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
