It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
