I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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