the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
