so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
