She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize