I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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