you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
