and you said cock pushups were impossible
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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