I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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