HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's never too late to be topless.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
