I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Boobs speak an international language.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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