I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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