rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize