FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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