I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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