READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
