Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
