my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
