I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
