allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
