Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
