God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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