How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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