well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
