I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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