It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
