Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
