My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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