There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
