You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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