george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
