You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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