I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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