That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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