hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
