Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
