all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize
