My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
A+ Viking dick
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
