I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
