Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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