Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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