This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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