Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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