I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
