Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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