we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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