I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
