who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
