the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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