I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
