Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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