This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
