my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Please don't give away my fajitas
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
